


How to live a lie

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Ficlet, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 19:36:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14775911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He liked to watch him sleep, he liked the innocent expression, the calm on his face.He liked it, until he thought about what he was doing to him.





	How to live a lie

Yabu was crying.

He wasn’t used to, it wasn’t something he liked, but he was.

Next to him, Yuri was sleeping.

He liked to watch him sleep, he liked the innocent expression, the calm on his face.

He liked it, until he thought about what he was doing to him.

He had been honest with him, and he couldn’t really have any remorse about that.

He had told him that time would've made everything fade, that it wasn’t going to steal his soul and who he was, and what he felt, but when he had said so he didn’t know if he had been truly honest.

It had been months, and still nothing had faded, memories were still unrolling in his minds as if it had been just minutes since that day he had been trying so hard to forget.

Yuri had been there for him like no one else had managed to, he had offered him his shoulder to cry on, he had told him that he wasn’t going to leave him alone, that he wasn’t going to allow him to curl up in a ball tormenting himself with guilt, with the feeling of loss.

And he had never failed to keep his promises, and slowly Kota had started to accept him as a part of his life, feel him like an irrevocable presence.

Believe he loved him, maybe, as much as both of them were aware of how insincere that feeling was.

_“I couldn’t protect the person I loved. With these hands stained with blood, I can't hold anyone.”_

Kota kept repeating those words to himself, and he saw himself waking up in a hospital bed, and remembered how he had felt, how his mind had attacked him with confused, unbearable memories.

And he saw his friends telling him about the accident, and about Kei, and there it all became dark, and he found himself crying just like that night, because the man he loved had died because of him.

Yuri knew Kota was never going to stop loving Kei, that he couldn’t, and he knew that the guilt was going to be a constant presence inside him, that it was never going to give him rest.

But he had stayed, and just because of that Yabu felt like he owed him something, like he should’ve made an effort for him.

Just to let him feel a part of that love he knew he didn’t have anymore, and just for him, never for himself, because it was something he didn’t deserve.

He turned toward him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, feeling him stir under his hold, but in the end accepting him with a sigh, almost relieved.

“I'm sorry, Yuri.” Kota said, low, trying not to hold him too tight, closing his eyes and knowing already he wasn’t going to get any sleep.

He wanted Chinen to feel his presence, but not too much.

He didn’t deserve to hold him in his arms and he didn’t want to risk hurting him, but if that was what the younger asked to be happy, then he would've made an effort to ignore the feeling of being always about to cause him pain.

Kota was going to fight to make him feel good.

About his own happiness, he was never going to think again.


End file.
